Engaging users in real-time is the topic of our times. Whether it's a game, a shop, or a content-network, the aim remains the same: providing a personalized experience. In this workshop we will look under the hood of Twitter Storm and lay a firm foundation on how to use it with PHP. By that, you can leverage your existing codebase and PHP expertise for an entirely new world: real-time analytics and business logic working on message streams. During the course of the workshop, we will look at all components of Storm, including Trident, a powerful high-level abstraction of Storm. Trident provides joins, aggregations, groupings, functions, and filters for stateful processing of real-time streams. We will then skyrocket the applicability of Storm and Trident by showing you how to implement their components with PHP. All exercises will be conducted using a provided development VM. The first examples will be executed locally, then the same code will be deployed to the cloud. The final example will be a demonstration of connecting browser sessions to a Storm backend, thus enabling the audience to engange in what is probably the most exhilarating lolcat kitten game ever conceived: Plan 9 from Outer Kitten.